An evening with Queen Victoria

I've just got back, exhausted and slightly hungover, from a two day training course. Unfortunately, my primary memory from the whole experience is an encounter with a woman who I at first thought reminded me of Queen Victoria (our whole conversation dominated by my mental images of a huge head with a tiny bitter face in the middle, as if she was peering at me through a monocle from above a ski-slope of a nose with her lips pursed disdainfully at me...which wasn't too far from the truth). However upon reflection I think she also reminded me of the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland (the Disney version) - a kind of deranged pompous Britishness that left me flabbgergasted and wondering if Kafka had taken over my life as a scriptwriter.

This woman was the most snobby, colonial-minded person I think I have ever met. I don't even want to repeat some of the things she said but basically all of you Australians (and indeed, anyone who doesn't live in England) is completely worthless. Oh and by the way Australians - you are also singlehandedly responsible for all of the colonial acts of horror perpetrated by Australians who had been in the country for five minutes (and were, in fact, English, but that fact is a little too inconvenient for our royal friend). When I tried to point out that I had in fact lived in Australia (and I'm not the most patriotic person, since I now refuse to live there) as well as Sweden and the Netherlands and in fact I don't think England has higher living standards or a better approach to multiculturalism than any of those countries, she looked at me sympathetically and said in her most patronising voice 'You know, you're kind of annoying. I'm going to go and talk to someone else'. I sat there gaping like a fish, which those who know me will realise is rather unlike me especially in the face of gross injustice. Luckily a friendly Northern Irish guy sitting next to Queen Vic, who'd had a growing look of puzzlement on his face, chose this moment to rescue me.

I really am surprised that this empire-mindedness still exists, especially when Channel 4 is currently producing a show called the Seven Sins of England about the violence, hooliganism, xenophobia, binge-drinking and, I quote, 'slaggishness' that have always been present in English culture.

I'm not saying England is all bad, but I do think that Queen Victoria could do with a bit of Clockwork Orange-style exposure to other cultures before looking down her nose at us mere colonials. Hopefully, however, I'll never have to see her again. I'm off with Ben and Erin to enjoy some nice sides of English culture that may or may not invoke the sin of binge drinking or at least a nice Pimms with fruit.