The Emotionally Delicate Person's Guide to Job Hunting

As if being terminally single wasn't enough (tangential update: I have been rejected by another nice guy and am now being pursued by three self-confessed nerds, two of whom are married for chrissakes), I am now voluntarily subjecting myself to the same level of emotional turmoil on the career front - the great job hunt.

I had forgotten the stages of job hunting. They should give you a public service style pamphlet: The Emotionally Delicate Person's Guide to Job Hunting, AKA So, You've Decided to be Repeatedly Rejected. This is especially true in London, where it seems to me that unless you have done the exact same job for the exact same type of company with the exact same buzz words (one recruiter even told me to include certain buzz words on my CV), then no-one will give you a chance.

Here's how I imagine the pamhplet would describe the five stages of job hunting:

Stage 1. Europhoric hope - you've just applied for a job, probably zipped off a cheery email into the ether, and you can already smell the freedom. You start fantasizing about how you'll resign, the great life you are going to have, maybe even justifying a bit of a lunchtime impulse shopping trip to spruce up your wardrobe for your new lifestyle. Yes? Then you're ready for...

Stage 2. Rejection Level 1 - this one is pretty crushing. The job you applied for doesn't even like you enough to accept you for an interview. Was it you? Was it your CV? Was it the incompetent person who read the CV? No, it's probably you - the first tendrils of self-doubt start inching their way around your heart. No, you think. That job wasn't right for me anyway. At this point you either go back to Stage 1 or progress to...

Stage 3. Determination, Rocky-style - about now you get a bit systematic, maybe even a little prolific, in your job applications. Cue 'Eye of the Tiger' and a nice montage of you typing cover letters and chewing pencils thoughtfully as you edit down your CV to that irrestible perfect draft. Once you've applied for one job, hell, copy and pasting that cover letter into a few more seems easy. You might even get a little nonchalant and bang a few unsolicited applications off. You'll show those rejectors from back in stage 1! Excellent. That must mean it's time for...

Stage 4. False Hope Level 1 - Yes! You've scored an interview. You're a shoe-in. This is it, the big ticket to your dream future. If you haven't indulged in impulse shopping back in Stage 1, then you'll probably be well and truly up for it at this point. Armed with your spiffy Stage 3 CV, nothing can stop you now. You take an extra long lunch from work and then prepare to dazzle. Which means, it can only be...

Stage 5. Rejection Level 2 - This is the kind of rejection you get after a long-term relationship. But they loved me, where did it go wrong, we could have been so good together, etc etc. There's only two paths here - back to Stage 3 (although probably a considerably more subdued version of it), or resignation to the fact that you will be chained to your current desk until they give you a cheap bottle of wine and your miserly pension cheque.

I don't know what the happy ending is yet, I haven't managed to get past Stage 5. I'm hoping that I can reach the mythical and rare Stage 6 - Fairytale Ending. Or failing that, Stage 6a - Satisfactory Employment Situation.

Meanwhile I am trying to resist the Impulse Shopping, although most of that lately has been photography-related, which I'm justifying on account of it being a bit of an outlet while I struggle with the emotional trauma of job hunt syndrome.