Oh Three, whyfore do thou stalk me?

I have come to the conclusion that my phone company, three, is schizophrenic. One minute, I am the lost step-customer, trying in vain to reach them through endless menus and long distance calls to India, where poor customer service reps try and convince me they are in the UK by making small talk about Three products which I know they don't actually have in Mumbai.

The next minute, I am seemingly the sole victim of a promotional campaign that sees them calling me, emailing me, messaging me, ringing my work phone and generally living in terror of their 'fantastic new products' that they think 'you'll be really interested in'. Their current record stands at 5 calls and two emails in one day (admittedly about various things, but the mind boggles at how this outsourcing to India malarkey saves them money).

Today, like some kind of Stockholm syndrome, I finally succumbed to the harassment and called them (from my work phone of course - their little tactics can't fool me). Unfortunately, this confused them greatly, and the fantastic new product turned out to be text messages (I think, couldn't quite decipher the accent). 'But I already use messages, I have like a million of them in my contract,' I said. The woman was persuaded to leave me alone - too easily.

Five minutes later, during a meeting, another missed call on my mobile. Hoping it was a fantastic once in a lifetime job opportunity in New York, I excused myself and checked the phone. It was Three.

I am embracing the fact that Three now calls me more than all my friends combined. Maybe this is their new scheme - tying up my phone so I can't actually use it for my own wayward purposes. Clever.