Tips on British culture

Following on from the largely successful (ahem) series of Swedish cultural and culinary observations featured in this blog, I suppose it's only proper to throw in a few British ones (despite the fact that a certain Scottish ex-boyfriend of mine alleges that England has in fact no culture, at all. An assertion which I believe Angus and I have already disproved. Or maybe not). The first observation I must make is obvious and hardly original, but must be noted for posterity: British after-work drinks are the most dangerous in the world.

Telltale signs you are at after-work drinks in the UK:

(a) Your suspected colleagues are ordering bottles of wine - as opposed to glasses
(b) The drinking session has occurred on a random, hitherto innocent weekday
(c) Your dinner consists of a packet of salt and vinegar 'crisps'
(d) You have an inexplicable craving for mushy peas
(e) Your flatmates/loved ones refer to you as 'The Elusive Missy M' and are openly shocked if they find you at home before 9pm quietly watching The Simpsons.

Now, I am no stranger to after-work drinks. I did, after all, work for Greenpeace, an organisation where at least one office which shall remain anonymous has considered installing a fireman's pole for easier access to the bar below - only half in jest.

I have sampled the after-work drinks in Amsterdam, Sydney, Stockholm and Tokyo - all of which have none too shabby drinking habits (not to mention all-you-can-drink karaoke nights). I have even done a bit of guest after-work drinking in Oslo. They try, bless them, but the expense is far more painful than any potential hangover.

However, the UK is by far the worst of the lot. By worst, I mean most likely to induce at best a constant feeling of queasiness and weight gain from fry-up breakfasts, and at worst severe liver damage and a vague memory of going to the Walkabout (an Australian chain of pubs I have vowed to avoid for fear it will induce an irrational desire to dance on a table and remove items of clothing). The scariest thing about the after-work drinks here is that they kind of sneak up on you, no matter how hard you intend to go home and watch the series finale of Life on Mars or do something sensible like go to bed early.

The sudden increase in drinking may explain why I have forgotten both my PIN number and phone-unlock code, but also why I seem to be fitting in ok at my new workplace. I just hope I actually survive it.