Schlager!

Firstly, it's been a long time between drinks, as a certain old friend who is now a famous rock star would say. I guess I have been living in denial that I have to leave Sweden so didn't want to write about it. So today, to make up for it, I will pay tribute to an aspect of European culture that so fascinates (or repulses) Australians: Europop, and it's ultimate incarnation as SCHLAGERfest. Full disclosure: I have to admit at this point that I have a nostalgic love of such Scandinavian delights as A-Ha, although I hate the ilk of Britney Spears.

According to Wikipedia, Schlager (from the German, natch) means "something that hits" or, more loosely translated, "a hit", and is "a style of popular music that is prevalent in northern Europe". In Australia, it's known by it's common name, Eurotrash, and conjures up images of spandex-clad blonde men, although we obviously forget that we have given the world such craptacular auditory stimulation as Savage Garden (known in their hometown as Average Garden), Gina G, and the long-forgotten Collette (of "You Can Ring My Bell" fame).

Schlagerfest (or officially in Sweden, melodifestivalen) is the Pop Idol style competition that leads up to the selection for who will compete at the Eurovision Song Contest. I hate Pop Idol, but I have become strangely fascinated with Schlager.

The Swedes at least take the whole thing with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Their host is a sarcastic comedian who has actually appeared in a skimpy purple number impersonating the loser of the competition the year before. Last night, someone asked him if you could vote for two songs at once. His reply on national television? "Well, you could, but then you'd be f*cking stupid." And my personal favourite event this year was Swedish band The Ark (the lead singer of which proudly boasts he has never written a bad song) decided that the music on Schlager was crap (an opinion no doubt supported by everyone who has ever watched it) and have mounted a stunningly witty challenge including a giant winged costume, fireworks, and a bit of axe-wielding guitar choreography at the end.

Weirdly, a schoolteacher has also entered her sad little ballad. I think people voted for her because they felt sorry for her - a testament to the kind heartedness of the Swedes, because she would probably get slaughtered in competition. I base my analysis of this on the fact she reduced Irina to tears. But there must be no mercy in Schlager -- probably why the Brits are reportedly entering Morrissey to depress us all to death.

Anyway, last night I sat down to watch Schlager with my friend Stina. We were so bored after 5 minutes that we had to go and get a DVD. I am considering asking if Australia can join the EU, this way my visa issues will be solved without marrying a random Swede; the Australian socio-political situation would be forced to become more aligned with international diplomacy, we could develop balanced welfare and immigration policies and have less US-style swagger, and more importantly, we could sure shake up Schlagerfest.